Peace That Surpasses Understanding

I know that this is supposed to be my blog all about my middle school ministry and teaching adventures, but this topic has been heavy on my heart. I've been trying to write this blog for a while now actually.

It seems like I am constantly hearing about death. Sometimes it's a close friend, sometimes it's the mother of a close friend taken by cancer, and sometimes it's just people throwing the word around like it's nothing.

As I think through the past year, I have had more deaths of people that I have known than seems normal. I have had two friends whose moms have died from cancer. One friend's dad was shot by her jealous mom. One friend's mom just died from two heart attacks. A girl that is in my sorority but at a different school was just shot in the head over road rage and died later in the day. And last, and definitely hardest of all was the death of one of my high school best friends.

Each of these deaths brought about different thoughts and scared me and caused grief. With the deaths of friends' moms, I thought about if I was in their shoes. The oldest ones have to be strong for their younger siblings. The younger ones still completely needed their moms (and so do the older ones). They no longer have their Mom! And what if my mom died? That is a terrifying feeling. I talk to her all the time. She intercedes for me daily in prayer. She comes and takes me to lunch when I'm having a bad day or bad week. She knows how to make me feel special. She takes care of me! So what happens if all of that is gone?

When Julia died, I remember exactly where I was. It was during recruitment on a Saturday. We had finished earlier in the day and my parents came up to move me into my new big-girl apartment. Abby, one of my close friends for a long time, was with me. We had gone to dinner and were now at Target getting the essentials like peanut butter and bread and pasta and command strips. In the isle to get command strips Abby and I both received texts from friends asking us where we were. When we replied, they told us that Julia had died. She was gone. For a few seconds (read: a couple of weeks) Abby and I were just in shock. Then my mom came around the corner with the cart and I told her. Then came the tears. They flooded hot and fast down our cheeks.

My sweet, precious friend who loved Jesus and everyone more than anyone I've ever known was dead. I would never see her again. She was constantly giving her life away to others for the sake of Jesus. And she was 20 years old. She was my age! She could have done so many more amazing things and lead so many more people to Christ! I'm not as loving or as good of a Christian as her so why couldn't I have died instead? She'd be more beneficial on earth that me anyway. These were all thoughts going through my head for the next couple of weeks.

Abby and I went back to my apartment and made my bed and did every mindless activity we could. It didn't help. A few days later, Julia's funeral was to happen. I drove home, walked in the door, saw my mom and once again lost it. She came with me to Julia's funeral, but the thing is, it wasn't a funeral. It was literally a celebration of her life. More than that, it was a celebration of Jesus in her life. I attempted to sing praises between sobs and listened to people talk about how much they loved Julia. It was perfect. After, they showed videos of Julia being crazy and dancing around singing like she always was. Side note: Julia danced more than anyone I've ever met.

Each person at the celebration also got a business card with her name beautifully written on it and a date on the other side. This date was our assigned day to remember Julia and to pray for her family. My date was yesterday. I thought about Julia and her family. Her sisters. How they're doing. I tried to write and letter and couldn't formulate the words.

One of the things that I've been praying through trials of friends and family as well as these deaths is for peace that surpasses understanding. It's not immediate. It hasn't come like a wave. But as I reflect, I see it. Each day, I can tell that my soul is more at peace. Thank you Jesus.

Meanwhile, I've been having conversations with people and having truth spoken into my life by them. I've also had to speak truth to myself. I think that that is one of the most important lessons that people can learn: to speak truth to yourself. Randy Pope one time said, "Don't listen to your heart. Speak to it, and tell it the truth." So through this pain, I am reminded that God has a plan. That He is faithful. That is near to the broken-hearted. That He is in control. That He created us and knows us better than anyone. That He weeps with us. That He will always provide. That He speaks through others. That He is constantly molding us into who He wants us to be. That I am called to trust Him. And many other things. So through the grief, I am learning and growing.

Lord, mold me and use me for Your glory. And please come soon! I anxiously wait for your arrival.